Monthly Archives: March 2013

Tiptoeing toward the wound

Mike and I 001

I’ve been marking the days for at least a month. Not with a pencil or even a smear on the calendar. Just a silent ticking off of days that I noticed in my heart and quickly covered over with busy work or chocolate or wine.

The pain in my sciatic nerve keeps screaming for attention but doesn’t drown out the slow and steady movement I feel. Tiptoeing toward the wound.

On April 6, my husband will be Two Years dead. It’s coming and I can’t stop it.

Can’t. Stop it.

On April 10 we would have been married 20 years.

Instead of cake there is a wound, covered over with a thin scab, but oozing and throbing all the same.

Instead of flowers,  a candle and an urn.

Year One there was the a cloud of memories to cushion the reality. The arrangements, the photos, the unexpected insistence on wearing a hat to the funeral. The black wardrobe, selling the house, moving.

Moving on.

I barely felt the wound, back then, stunned by loss.

But now, as Year Two counts down like a water drip of torture, I feel the soreness from here. The wound is advanced, sloughing away the scab in an instant as I stop tiptoeing and run to the wound, dive in.

Swallow me, I tell the wound. Cover me. Let me disappear into the hurt.

I feel the warm, thick liquid all around, waiting to sink into the filth of death.

But instead, it’s blood. The stuff of life.

The blood of resurrection.

Because between now and April 6 there is a cross, a tomb, and a divine body that has overcome death.

My husband has been Two Years resurrected with Christ.

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Why did Jesus heal?

The Bible tells us that the reason that Jesus healed a lot of people when he was on this earth because he had compassion for them. The blind, lame, lepers, demon-possessed, widows – people desperate for healing because they thought the healing was what was most important fix. Jesus knew it wasn’t what would really change their lives, but he just couldn’t help but respond to all the misery. And I’m pretty sure that he expects us to feel the same way about the world around us. Respond to the misery, whether there is a spiritual payoff or not.   

Time after time after time, we ask Jesus to fix the things that aren’t the cause of true brokenness. He’ll do it sometimes. Sometimes not. But the true brokenness is what he really wants to fix. And that doesn’t always happen by touching the hem of his garment. Sometimes there is a cross to shoulder and carry up a hill. 

From The Truth Swing by Francine Phillips

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